High School was a weird time, I was getting high grades and I was proud to be one of the top students of the year. I worked extremely hard and I knew I deserved every one of those grades. I didn’t cheat and I was confident with my skill to learn fast. I was even invited to competitions and quiz bees!

I was surrounded with equally determined students. I was facing my major insecurities with some moments of success. Life wasn’t the best, but it was good at the time.

However, there was one thing that was a thorn on my side. It was chess.

You see, people from my class saw chess as a recreational game with battle of wits and techniques. But for me, I saw it completely different.

When I win, I relish with joy and shove it in their faces with a smug in my face. My ego was satisfied. I confirmed through chess that I’m indeed smarter than this guy! When I know I was going to lose, I would get so mad that I want to smash the fucking chess set. I can’t believe that I’m dumber.

My reactions were always on the extremes, never at the middle. Whenever I lost, I always felt that my intelligence was being questioned.

I could understand mathematical and scientific concepts given a few days or weeks. But chess? Chess was so abstract to me that anything that I’m learning from the internet felt like grasping for straws. Lessons elude me and nothing seemed to stick.

I saw chess as a threat to my intelligence. No… I saw it as a threat to my identity.

I know it sounds so petty and egoistic. But you see, my life up to Grade 10, I can only be proud of my intelligence. I was never amazing at sports nor other activities for that matter. I relied on academics and being smart as the core of my identity. Without these things, I knew I was nothing. It was my low self-esteem that made me think this way.

For the first time in my life again, I felt dumb despite working hard. Am I really smart? Am I really that dumb? Why can’t I understand this? Why am I even here?

During the course of a few months, I avoided chess like a plague.

But that didn’t last long. Avoiding chess kept gnawing my sanity away. I can’t help but think about my reason for avoiding the game. Just because it made me feel dumb, I avoided it? That’s so stupid! I knew it was a stupid reason, so I was so angry at myself.

I knew I had to face it some day again. I can’t live with the fact that I haven’t made peace with a stupid game. So, I decided to play every day.

During those days, I changed my perspective about my intelligence. It’s okay to be dumb for a while, but never let it stay that way. I realized that I set an unrealistic and unhealthy expectation for chess. I wanted to learn fast. I wanted to do them all! I was arrogant to think that I could learn everything in a few weeks.

Slowly, I was enjoying the game for what it is. Not for how it defined me.

Did I ever get good at the game? Nah. I still suck at it. Would I play the game? Sure, why not. Would I still react the same way when I win or lose? Probably, but a lot tamer. Would I enjoy the game if we played? Depends on how thoroughly I crush you.