I woke up in the middle of the night by some weird sound coming from the back of the house.

I sat up, rubbed my eyes, and focused all my attention on the noise that broke my sleep.

Someone was crying.

Did something bad happen?

Wanting to know, I got out of my bed and followed the sniffling that echoed through my room.

I never thought it would be possible, but I happen to arrive at my father’s doorsteps.

I reached my hand to the knob and calmly opened the door and peeked my head through the small opening.

And, I was shocked by what I saw.

My dad wasn’t the one crying, but it was my younger brother.

One thing entered my mind, did they fight again?

I opened the door as wide as I could, and before I could even speak, my brother shouted.

“We can’t be living like this. It’s been five years and nothing has changed.”

I swallowed the words out of my mouth and listened.

“We can’t be doing this anymore! Is this the only we can do? Nothing?!”

I stood there in silence watching my brother slump his back to the chair.

I didn’t know what to say.

We all knew it. We know we weren’t doing anything. We wanted change, but we never moved that would make change. We were able, but why aren’t we doing anything? Is it because it’s hopeless?

“We can’t be living like garbage. The house is a mess. We can’t even buy proper food!”

“I don’t want to live like this anymore!”

With that, I gently closed the door and slowly went back to my room. Thinking back on the words my brother said.

What he said was something that I always have in mind, but I never voiced it out. I didn’t want to share it, because I know the only thing that I could do was endure. I couldn’t trust this family.

Knowing my history, no one supported each other. We resented each other. We hated each other’s habits. We were always in conflict.

I stayed up all night thinking, reflecting about my life.

What have I really done? Have I really tried or did I make excuses? Can I really change my situation? My brain says yes, but my heart says no. It feels impossible. No connections, no anything.

Fuck this. My brother was right. We were selfish. I was selfish.

We wanted change, but we never wanted to move forward, and that’s the truth.

We kept on wishing for a break, time and time again. It’s so fucking stupid.

Why can’t we do it? Why can’t we move forward? Is it because we don’t support each other? Is it because we always resented each other?

I don’t know. I really don’t.

No, in fact, I do know.

It’s simply because nobody wants to help each other. Nobody helped me in the past, so I wouldn’t support anyone. That’s what we’re all thinking. Nobody had the maturity to step forward when the answer was right in front of our eyes.

Despite knowing all that, I don’t want to do anything about it. It feels justified. I don’t know… it’s feels like something inside me wants to reject all of it.